Tricky stuff

Hello everyone :) I'm sorry I have been kind of MIA recently. I'm back with another post for you! This one is a little different than something that I would normally do, but I think this is important to address. Mental health is something every person will struggle with at some point in their life, no matter what their lifestyle is. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, ADHD, OCD, PTSD, and panic disorder are just a few of the many disorders that exist. I have struggled with social phobia, medical phobia, depression, and panic disorder my entire life. So many people have told me they never would have thought I was struggling with these things because I tend to try to hide my symptoms and tendencies. As a child, I had difficulties making friends, being with people, speaking how I felt, and feeling good enough. I would play by myself, avoid speaking on the phone, stay as quiet as possible so I didn't say something wrong, and try to be as nice as possible to everyone I met so I would avoid all possibilities of rejection. I repeated these tendencies since they made me feel safe and happy. We all want to be safe and happy, right? These safe tendencies turned into social phobia. This isn't normal social anxiety. This wasn't feeling a little anxious to present in class or nervousness on a first date. This is a chronic, awful, almost painful desire to avoid speaking up, being with friends, and any situation in which I had to perform. My mom placed me in dance classes to "socialize" me. I was the smallest girl there, that everyone seemed to not notice and kind of stick me on the end of everything. Despite being small and meek, I found solitude in dancing, and without those classes, I wouldn't have my biggest passion today.
When I was 8 years old, I was admitted to the hospital with a temperature of 105 degrees, extreme throat and neck pain. I was so miserable and my parents had no idea what to do. Nobody knew what was wrong with me. I was placed in isolation, and all my visitors had to wear masks and hospital gowns. Doctors came in every hour to poke and prod me, drawing blood and putting in IV lines. After my condition worsened, the doctors sort of gave up. While I was completely awake and aware of what was going on, the doctors told my parents to prepare themselves for my death. Needless to say, I survived, but the scars are permanent. Today, I have such a fear of doctor's offices and the dentist, and I panic and have anxiety attacks every singe time. Anxiety is one of those things that even though you know it's an irrational fear and you know you're safe, you feel scared.
I am still finding myself and figuring things out as far as my anxiety goes. I try to push myself to tolerate some discomfort in order to expose myself to things that make me scared and uncomfortable. If you've ever had a panic attack, you know how truly frightening it is. You actually feel as though you're dying. Some common things that happen are: rapid heartbeat, fluttery stomach, nausea, sweating, dizziness, blurred vision, and shakiness. Some examples of the things you think are: I'm going insane, I'm losing control, I'm having a heart attack, I'm going blind, I need to get out of here, I can't breathe, or something terrible is going to happen. These thoughts are so scary. I remember I had a panic attack at school once, and I left the classroom and ran as fast as I could to the cafeteria and hid under a table because I felt like I was being hunted. The best way to recover from a panic attack is to let it happen. Let your muscles tense. Let your heart beat. Let yourself vomit, if you need to. Allow all of your anxious symptoms to pass. Go to a place where you feel the safest, and if you need a support person, take them with you. Let your body calm down on its own. And always remember it's okay to panic and it's okay to be anxious. Some things you can say to yourself to calm down are: I can handle these symptoms and sensations. This is just anxiety, and it's okay. I deserve to feel okay right now. This anxiety won't hurt me, even if it doesn't feel good. These are just thoughts, not reality. I could go on for hours about this topic, and let me know if you want more information about anxiety and panic disorders.

If you think you may have an anxiety disorder, know that you are not alone, and you have so many resources to help you recover. Educate yourself, read books, talk to your doctor, have some counseling sessions. There is no shame in dealing with something difficult. I wish you all the best of luck.

Audrey